LITTLE JOANNA
Standalone
Interactive
When I woke up this morning I was furious to see a note sitting on your pillow instead of your messy bed-head. I jolted up snatching it in one swift move as I lifted from the bed and scrambled for jeans and a t-shirt.
,
You looked so comfortable sleeping babe, I couldn't wake you. Maybe it's good that I go to the doctors alone this morning. I love you bigger than the sky, I'll be back soon. Sorry I kept you up so late last night, sweetie.
xo, .
I crumpled the note in my hand feeling tears meet my eye, but I quickly tried to smooth it out wanting this memory of you. My quest for clothes was slowed down when my breath started to panic, I was so scared of loosing you . When I found out you were sick I tried to hold onto everything and anything.
I wanted to keep the toothpaste tube you had just finished, or your favourite hair brush you broke in frustration when we fought about how I wanted to know you were just as scared as me. I kept all your grocery lists, I even have the bottled water you drank out of last week when we went for a walk around town. I know it sounds obsessive but I wanted to remember every little thing about you, once you were gone.
My body was filled with so many emotions, all so different as they all swam through me, each hitting my heart seconds after the one before. I was so confused, I couldn't stop the tears. I wanted to be there for you when they told you when it was going to happen, or how soon you'd be gone. I wanted to be the strong one for you, but time had proven that maybe women are stronger than men. You were my shoulder to cry on only minutes after you told me, you were the one that held it all together at our engament party when we had to confess the wedding just might not happen.
The day I proposed to you, I imagined a lifetime of happiness, with laughter and health. Not even two weeks later you started feeling strange but cheerfully went to the doctors to assure us that it was some silly flu bug. It was no flu bug , it was cancer. My whole life was crashing around me, the only thing I could see was you.
God why did life have to be so hard sometimes? My life would never be the same after you were gone. I didn't want to believe it, you still looked so colourful, you're my little Joanna, my sunkissed trampoline. I remember the day I clued in to your shirts being a little baggier on you, and the waist band of your jeans a little looser. I remember the way your body felt against mine when we made love the other night, smaller more fragile.
I regret not always treating you like a princess, but you assured me no matter what, even if I was fighting with you I made you feel special. I didn't really get what you meant when you said this to me, but it made me feel better.
I was often drifting back to the day we first met, it was a day that changed my life, and I was so grateful for it. McFly had a day off and a bunch of us were over at 's sisters place having a backyard get together.
Unfortunatly the sky was fastly clouding over and we decided to get this inside before it started to pour. About a half hour later, everyone that had arrived was inside and chatting about with one another.
A few of us were in the kitchen and I glanced out the back window to see you, for the first time. You were sopping wet, looking around with a smile, a clinging wet t-shirt on and jeans that were too long for you. You headed for the back door and knocked quickly before opening it and standing in the doorway.
"I thought we said backyard get together?" You grinned at the few of us and I stepped forward forgetting everyone else in the excitment in your voice.
"It's pouring rain," I explained looking at you amused and you raised your eye brows at me as you made a puddle on the floor.
"And?" You asked playfully.
"And some of us don't welcome being sopping wet like you do." I replied grinning and you giggled extending your hand.
", right?" I nodded holding your wet hand in mine, though it was wet it warmed my whole intire body.
Every time I think of that memory my body warms up all over again, my hand tingling. I hoped every memory of you did that to me, a lot of them did, but I was scared that after time passed your memory would fade. It was bad enough that you wont be here, but it scares me to think I might loose my memory of you.
I finally pulled myself together and got dressed, after quickly showering trying to get my mind off what the doctors could possibly be telling you. I made my way downstairs, my mind drifting around in a spaced out way.
All I wanted was for you to be home so I could hold you and take in every single detail of you. God, I wanted to have kids with you, I wanted to make loads of babies and have a huge family. Why wouldn't the world just accept that we needed one another and wanted to be together forever, raise a family and be the best people we could be because of one another.
I feel so guilty for telling you every day that you're getting better, that you're going to be completely healthy soon. What if I was lying to you?
So many people told me I was, and they pushed me to accept this fate. I wasn't ready to yet, perhaps part of me understood I would have to face it and had started to cope, but a large amount of me was so wrapped up in you that it wasn't possible. After a while it was easier to just be happy with you around, but as more time passed I had that twisting feeling in my gut like, it's going to happen soon mate, better get prepared.
No matter what you do or what people say you can't be ready for something like this. I wont accept it, I'll be angry and bitter and I'll cry for days. I'll eventually come to terms with the fact that you would hate to see me like this and I'd go back to putting every second of my life into McFly.
Since you've been sick we've taken things slower with the band. I was so thankful that all the guys and our managment understood and were supportive. You're part of the McFly family now too, once a McFlyer always a McFlyer.
I couldn't help but pace back and forth the kitchen, wondering if I'm maybe wearing out the tiles. I try to prepare for the worse but hope and pray my hardest for the best. Miracles can happen? Right? See, I'm helpless no matter how bad you get or how often people say sorry about it and explain that time will heal all, I still believe that you'll be okay.
I jumped with the sound of a car door slamming, you're home! I quickly start for the door, but stop when I remember that I'm about to hear something that could rip me apart. I debate pretending I didn't hear the car door, maybe I'll sit on the couch and read the magazine on the table? No, you need me right now, so I'll suck it up and be your man.
"!" I hear you scream as you're reaching the door, I don't hesitate to whip the door open. I'm startled to see the hugest grin on your face, I hadn't seen that grin since I proposed to you.
"?" I questioned and you crash into me, your arms wrapping around me tightly.
"It's gone, ! Holy shit it's gone!" You shout into my chest and my emotions start to rise, I'm feeling confused and my eyes are pouring out tears.
"What? What's gone, ! What?" I asked pushing you back so I can look you in the eye, you have that smile still plastered on your face and I can't help but smile, both of our eyes crying.
"I've got rid of the cancer ! We got rid of it! I'm completely fine, tired but fine! I'm a healthy as ever!" You exlaimed and I grab onto you pulling you back firmly into my chest, bawling my eyes out.
"Oh my God, I love you!" I replied and kept repeating it over and over holding you closely. This is the happiest moment of my life. Holy shit!
She's fine, she's healthy! My girl, my little , shes perfect.
"Can we just go get married now? Wait no, we have to call everyone! Wait I want to kiss you!" I exclaimed excitedly as you laugh, our faces both covered in tears as I cup your face in my hands and press my lips to yours. I kiss you over and over, again and again. I never want to stop kissing you, I never want to let you go.
"I love you ," You get out between my kisses and I smile bigger against your swollen lips.
"Lets make babies, right now! I want to have loads of kids with you right here, right now!" I continued and you laugh harder, still crying. God I didn't think crying this much because you were so happy was possible.
"Slow down boy, we have all the time in the world." You say calmly your eyes looking into mine and I pause to take the moment in.
"You're right, so lets go take our time, nice and slow." I whisper huskily and kiss you before lifting you up and carrying you up the stairs, you giggle uncontrolably causing me to grin bigger.
"You know," You started drawing circles on my bare chest, our bodys clinging together, damp with sweat. "I couldn't have done this without you. You made me believe I'd be better, that I was better." You told me and I held you closer, hearing you say that made me feel like I was in Heaven.
"I love you bigger than the sky, I had to believe you'd be okay." I replied kissing your hair, smelling your intoxicating scent.
"I love you so much, . I can't believe we've been through all of this together." You continue sighing a little as your words quiver.
"We're a good team to be quite honest, nothing stands a chance against us." I said smiling, my face was hurting I had been smiling so much. I really can't explain to you just how happy I am, we do get to spend the rest of our long healthy lives together, nothing could make me happier.
"Mate, I am so freaking happy for you two!" laughed happily as we bear hugged, tears in both of our eyes. I laughed as well pulling away to wipe my eyes, him doing the same, causing us both to laugh.
"Girl!" He said looking at you, you smiled cutely at him and were brought into a bear hug of your own as and couldn't hold it in any longer and jumped on us eagerly. I could barely believe we had just been to both our parents houses to let them know, and were now with the guys. This was a complete dream come true and I was never going to take anything for granted ever again, especially you.
"I love you," I whispered wrapping my arm around you as we followed behind the guys.
"Bigger than the sky?" You asked smiling sweetly up at me, the sparkle in your eyes was back.
I smiled right back at you, holding you close. "Bigger than the sky." I replied.