THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL
Chapter Four: Lithium
Interactive
’s POV:
I didn't get out of bed for days.
Between ripping through fresh boxes of tissues, wolfing down pints of Ben & Jerry's and watching Friends reruns, I felt myself slipping further and further into the depths of depression. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had been violated, bruised, and my heart had been crushed. It hurt to breathe, not that I wanted to.
was wonderful to me. She let me stay in her guest room, and she took some time off from work to help me recover. Like I was her sick child. She quit working, going to school, going out, and she even stopped seeing her boyfriend, , who was one of 's best friends and bandmates. She did what she could to spare me any more pain, sometimes having to fake a smile every now and again, even though I knew she was worried sick about me. I felt like I was anchoring her down, and I hated that. I didn't want to be a burden to anybody.
But what made her an honest-to-God saint in my eyes, was the fact that she went over to 's flat the next day. She stood awkwardly under his scrutiny and grabbed all my things. She took down every picture he was in at her house just so I would never ever have to face him again, and I was grateful. I could never look him in the eyes and not think about that terrifyingly hard stare I'd gotten that horrible day. Not think about what he'd said to me. I would die first.
Getting out of bed was the always the hardest. The blankets were the softest things I would ever feel in a long time, yet I felt like they were my armor - armor that shielded me from all of my outside problems. I took comfort in that, because I couldn't take comfort in anything else. was constantly in the kitchen, which was one reason why it was so hard to go into it. I didn't like looking at her face, a happy mask that was riddled with worry and dread. But besides her, I was utterly isolated from civilization. Most of my friends were 's, and they hadn't called for me once. They must have gotten his version first.
I sat up in bed and a mountain of used tissues fell onto the already-littered carpet. It didn’t matter. would pick them up later. She always did. The credits for I Love Lucy rolled up the television screen. I didn’t even like the show, but I welcomed the noise. It was a distraction, just like everything else I watched.
I ran my fingers through my tangled hair. I knew I looked a mess. I had huge shadows under my eyes and my hair hadn’t seen a brush in days. I didn’t care. I didn’t have anyone to look pretty for anymore. I threw the blankets off of my legs. I needed something for my migraine, but I knew it wouldn't help. I'd had it since the day picked me up. I opened the door and light flooded in.
“I’m really starting to get worried.� I heard say. I stopped short, trying to listen in on the conversation. She was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, on her cell and absentmindedly stirring the tea with a spoon. Her eyebrows were furrowed. Whoever was on the other line wasn’t telling her any good news.
I leaned up against the wall by the doorway and prayed wouldn’t notice me. Her hand stopped and the spoon in her mug went still. She didn’t move and I caught my breath.
“So he’s talking of quitting the band? At least he’s speaking. I barely get two words out of . I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m really worried. She’s pretty much catatonic. All she ever does is cry and mope around all day. It isn't fair for either of us.�
A sharp pain filled my gut. loved being a musician and he loved being in McFly. And I was taking that away from him.
No, I wasn't. Joel was. He'd taken everything I'd ever wanted away from me, and now he was doing it to .
“I am not taking sides, ! She hasn't said a damn thing to me about the situation since she's been here, and from the looks of it, it would be a major mistake to ask.� spat angrily. She pushed her hair back with her hand in exasperation. “No, I’m not trying to make McFly split up. Everyone is just as affected as you are with this! Why are you blaming me for that?�
The receiver buzzed back just as angry, and ’s eyes grew dark and she bit her lip. She silently hit 'end' and flipped the phone shut. Her eyes grew glossy with tears. I stood there and watched, cursing myself quietly.
looked up and the sadness vanished from her face. It was as if the whole thing never even happened. And she was doing it for my sake.
“Good morning, sunshine!� she said with a smile as she stood up. “Would you like me to fix you something to eat? How about some lunch?�
“Did you and have a fight?� I asked, ignoring her questions as I sat down at the table.
“He’s just in one of his moods, don’t worry about it. Guy PMS.� replied a little too quickly. I nodded and laid my tangled head on the table.
glanced at me from above, her eyebrows woven in confusion. "Aren't you hungry?"
"No."
"Well, you haven't eaten much today."
"I haven't eaten at all today."
"Well, you should." pressed on.
To give her peace of mind, I grabbed an apple from the fridge, which I would just throw out the window later. Just like the orange from yesterday, and the banana from last week. I stood to leave the kitchen. It was too bright in there. The walls were too soft a shade of blue , the curtains too white and the cabinets were too happy with their white doors and hand painted yellow flowers. It was just too cozy. It reflected all of ’s happiness and none of mine.
“No, you are going to sit there and eat it now.� commanded.
was getting smart. I had the feeling that she knew what I was up to. I was withering away like a wilting flower. She knew there was something more to my story that I wasn't giving up, but I wasn't about to. I was too embarrassed and ashamed. Joel had completely and utterly ruined my life.
I took a small bite out of my apple just to appease . She watched me intently as I chewed and swallowed. A real smile broke out on her face and she looked happy.
“Now was that so hard?� She asked.
“I’m not hungry.� I set the apple back on the table.
We didn’t say another word. knew she couldn’t win this battle. She’d been trying to for three weeks, and so far, I'd pushed away everything: my favorite foods, huge breakfasts, take out, pizza, everything. Nothing tasted good anymore. To be more specific, nothing tastedat all. So I was on a steady diet of ice cream and candy. And that was good enough for me.
We both jumped as ’s phone went off. We both stared at it as it rang on the table. picked it up.
“It’s again.� said flatly. She silenced the ring tone and stared at the phone in her hand. It was obvious she wanted to answer. Anyone could tell. She looked at me with pleading eyes.
“Answer it.� I said standing. I picked up the apple and threw it in the trash on my way out of the kitchen. I was in the hallway when I heard ’s “hello�. I leaned against the hall wall and sighed. I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, again, but I had to make sure that was okay.
“It’s okay, ,� said sweetly. “Everyone has their spats. We just have to find a way to fix this.�
I looked away from the kitchen and continued towards my room. My eyes paused on an picture frame on the wall. It was empty. I stopped and pulled it off the wall. I flipped it over slowly and undid the backing. Facing me was a picture. I carefully pulled it out and set the frame down.
I had seen this picture too many times before. It was the six of us together on New Year’s eve. and arm in arm, and toasting their glasses of champagne, and kissing my cheek as the ball dropped. It hurt to look at it, but I couldn’t help but smile. We were all so happy then. But that was then...
I caught my reflection in mirror that hung in the hall. I was a miserable excuse of a human being. I looked back down at the picture again.
“I will be happy again.� I vowed.
I didn’t know how I’d do it, but I’d figure it out somehow.